667 hours. 23 days. Good times.

I had a brilliant conversation with my sponsor last night where we talked life, sobriety and scripture. Conversations like this feed my soul.

During our chat we reflected on the Israelites wandering the desert for 40 years.

Had they gone direct to their intended destination it would not have taken anywhere near as much time. In fact, less than two weeks. Less time than I currently have on the sober clock.

Instead, they wandered in circles for 40 years.

My sponsor pointed out that we do the same, wandering in circles in and out of sobriety until we finally get it.

That got me thinking.

The number of times I have found myself back at the beginning, resetting the clock, starting out again.

At the beginning of this year I wanted to get myself a physical reminder of the need to stay on the path. I purchased a small, silver, square locket on the back of which I had engraved my sober birthday. When I picked up again that date was defunct. My desert journey had to restart.

I went back to the engraver and had a new date added. This time, on the front I had them engrave Isaiah 53:6. All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God’s paths to follow our own. Yet the Lord laid on him the sins of us all.

That verse is a reminder to me who had to pay the price for my sin. The gravity of that helps me choose the next right step to honour Him.

Just now I noticed something new - we strayed away. Another reminder of the Israelites’ desert wanderings.

When I stray away from my Shepherd the time I spend wandering in the desert is unnecessarily lengthened. The destination that I long for (residing in the place he has prepared for me) moves further away.

How often have I read the story of the 40 years of wandering and thought “why on earth didn’t you just listen?! Why didn’t you just follow God?!”

Now I wonder how often God has looked at me, love in His eyes, compassion in His heart, thinking ‘Why won’t you just follow me sweetheart? Heed my instruction. When you follow me closely you’ll get to the place I’ve prepared for you so much quicker.”

I pray that my wilderness journey is now ended and I can continue to Abide In Him daily. Resting secure in this safe and bountiful place He has created for me.

Subscribe now

This photo is just too fabulous. A sole sheep wandering. Not where it started, not yet at the destination. That is me.

Or at least it feels like it sometimes.

I would love SO MUCH to be through this* and at the destination. Free, victorious, celebrating with Jesus.

*what is ‘this’? a very inconvenient addiction to alcohol that has really got in the way of my general fabulousness!

It would be great if my reason for wanting to be at the destination was just because that meant celebrating with Jesus and shouting his praise. But honestly, it’s more because my bruised ego wants to be a long, long way away from where I’ve been.

Hearing people’s stories of overcoming addiction and walking closely with God give me so much encouragement. I feel a sense of pride on behalf of people who share them. I see how hard they’ve worked and the paths they’ve trod and am so happy for them. But I want to skip to that part. The work that the journey to get there involves is not nearly so fabulous.

My pride wants people to look at me and see an overcomer. Someone who has conquered. Someone whose story (from long, long ago) brings no shame but just shouts of victory and praise. Lets face it, I want that praise. Jesus can share it, but I want it.

However we are not there yet; clearly - if I was, my pride wouldn’t be wanting that praise for myself!

I’m still taking this day by day. Learning what it means to truly abide with Christ moment by moment so that He is my strength and my shield. I’ve reached the 17 day sober mark; yet again. How many times have I done that now?

Oh to be at day 365 and then seven times that again!

But walking through this valley is where the change comes. It’s where I learn. It’s where trust and honesty and character and hope and endurance are built. (Anyone else hearing the phrase ‘consider it pure joy…’ as those words hit the page?)

This process is definately not ‘pure joy’, but it certainly feels trying. But as James says “..endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.” (James 1:4). How about almost complete and mostly mature Lord? Then maybe we could take a little shortcut or two here and there?

Oh I hope He is sharing a giggle with me at that request.

But deep down I really do want Him to complete this work in me that He has already started.

I pray that one day I will get to meet my maker face to face and, forgetting all the myriad of ways I got it so wrong, He says to me ‘well done’, ‘welcome home’ and‘you’ll like it here, there’s no more tears or pain, the old things have passed away’.

Until that day my pride needs to take a back seat so that I can learn to enjoy this journey.

Stuck in the middle.

With Him.

Subscribe now

After discovering the She Reads Truth podcast I’ve been using that to keep my mind busy while at work. The work itself isn’t always enough to stop my brain from spiralling. This week I was listening to them discuss the book of Judges. I never expected that book to hold up a mirror to me.

The repeated cycle of sin —> oppression —> crying out to God —> deliverance —> stability / peace —> sin —> oppression….

The ever increasing darkness that was enveloping God’s people as they just kept returning to their sin.

Reminds me of Proverbs 26:11 “As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness…”

That’s what I kept doing. Returning to foolishness. Sin, oppression, crying out to God…

At some point things just kept becoming darker and darker and it felt like God vanished from my world. Perhaps there was a real grace in that. Getting a taste of hell while still having the opportunity to turn to God gave me a desperation for his presence. I feel grateful for that.

Somehow the book of Judges morphed from a distressing historical tragedy to a sobering (literally!) warning of what happens when you do what is wise in your own eyes.

I noticed for the first time that the people weren’t doing what they thought was wrong. They did what they thought was right. What they thought was wise. Life has taught me recently just how great our capacity to deceive ourselves is. The only way to overcome that is to shine the light on everything. Take scripture and use it as the only right lens to see clearly.

I also found this again this week:

Who has woe? Who has sorrow? Who has conflicts? Who has complaints? Who has wounds for no reason? Who has red eyes? Those who linger over wine, those who go looking for mixed wine. Don’t gaze at wine when it is red, when it gleams in the cup and goes down smoothly. In the end it bites like a viper. Your eyes will see strange things, and you will say absurd things. You’ll be like someone sleeping out at sea or lying down on the top of a ship’s mast. ‘They struck me, but I feel no pain! They beat me, but I didn’t know it! When will I wake up? I’ll look for another drink.’” Proverbs 23:29-35.

Who knew that God choose to include the perfect description of alcoholism in Scripture.

Funny how He always knows what we need to be warned about.

You hear people talk a lot about one day at a time in recovery. It’s annoying really, as though you’re going to struggle so much that you have to just focus on one day, one hour, one minute until you somehow survive the moment and make it to the next.

But I’ve found something very freeing in this concept lately.

I listened to something recently on a podcast that grabbed my attention. I can’t recall which podcast it was, or who said it, so apologies for the total lack of credit where credit is due. (Perhaps it was on Jon Seidl’s ‘Confessions of a Christian Alcoholic’ - I’ve been listening to that a lot recently, highly recommend, great listening). Matthew 6:34. A verse I’ve always been well acquainted with but never really knew.

Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

The Greek word for worry is apparently ‘merimnao’ which means to be drawn in opposite directions, to be pulled apart in different directions, to be divided or distracted. (I’m no Bible scholar, yay for the Bible Hub app which helps in these situations!).

When I focus only on today - literally, take it one day at a time - my focus is on exactly what God wants me focussed on. I’m living in the present, in His presence. My concerns about the future are left exactly where they should be - at His feet. When I’m only focusing on today it’s so much easier to stay away from the bottle and close to Him. Today He has proven once again (like every other day of my life) that I have what I need.

So perhaps this verse isn’t so much about telling me what to stop doing - worrying - because the first thing my brain does when told not to do something is to focus intently on doing exactly that! Perhaps it’s actually telling me what to do - focus on today. Look at what I have in front of me right now. I have a roof over my head, people who care for me, enough food in my belly and a job that is paying the bills. I am blessed. In this moment there is no struggle.

The second I start worrying about tomorrow I’m focussed on petrol prices, grocery prices, a tiny family that may one day be with Jesus when I am not, the potential for future loneliness, the list goes on and on and on and on. Don’t get me started on if I start ruminating on the past. Suddenly all is terrible and there is no hope. But I’m no longer in that past so I don’t need to keep reliving it. The past brings pain and the future brings worry.

But today. Just in today. I can be content. I have God with me and my daily bread.

And no need to drink.

I’ve been thinking today about this story in Matthew 12. I never really considered what this might have to say to me. Honestly, without ever looking deeply into it, it sounds on the surface like some weird story about ‘unclean spirits’. Given I’ve never considered I might find relevance in this particular passage it was always one that I listened to and thought not a lot of.

Until now. Now it seems more than relevant.

I got myself a copy of the Life Recovery Bible as part of my toolbelt for tackling whatever the heck it is that has been going on with me lately. It is already proving worth every penny.

Looking up this passage I find this note at the bottom of the page:

Incomplete recovery can leave a person “worse off than before.” To be rid of what afflicts us is only half the battle. Once we kick an addiction or dependency, there is a void in us that was once filled with our old behaviour. We must fill that emptiness with God’s Spirit and godly attitudes and actions through prayer and reading God’s Word. Otherwise, new addictions or dependencies can move in and cause further problems in our lives.

Now I have not exegeted this passage or done any sort of real study into it. But it has been going round and round my head today. I think that is because God is trying to tell me that it’s not so much I need to get rid of something from my life (which by the way I do and I am) but that I need something so much better in its place. The whole reason I found myself in this pickle was because I was relying on myself and my own emptiness to try to get through some really hard things. The solution - fill yourself up! With God. With knowledge of His word. With a real sense of faith in His love and compassion. With trust in His guidance. With the peace that surpasses all understanding that we receive when we submit to Him.

I’ve had glimmers of God’s presence with me today. Oh that they would increase. I don’t think it is possible to ‘earn’ such moments of communion with God, but I do think that the more I invest in time with Him - be it in prayer, studying scripture or writing here mulling over what He is teaching me - that you might just create more opportunities to hear from Him. If only I was as desperate for this as I was for escaping through the bottle. That’s rather shame inducing. It was pointed out to me once that I’d be struggling to get off the couch because of how low I was feeling but would always get up to go to get wine. That should have spoken volumes to me at the time, but unfortunately I wasn’t ready to hear or believe there was a growing problem.

Lord - help me to long for you more than for anything else. Forgive me for the times when I haven’t.

Subscribe now

These won’t be quite at Augustine’s level, but they are confessions nonetheless.

This week has not been great. Just a week ago I was feeling like I really ‘had this’. I had moments of interacting with Scripture and writing and really getting somewhere. Feeling like maybe, just maybe God was walking close with me in this. Note the word ‘feeling’. I know he IS there. Scripture makes that clear, and He has proved Himself over and over again over the last twenty odd years of following Him. But I still rely on feeling like He is there. And currently I rarely sense His presence. I miss that.

I’d love to be able to explain that away, but I can’t. I just know that Scripture says He is with me, both behind and before. So whether or not I can sense His presence should be irrelevant.

Yet in the lack of feeling Him, I stumble and fall. Repeatedly.

It was my birthday yesterday. I try to make my birthdays feel like they are something good. But each year they are a reminder of my mother telling me she wished she’d never had me. That wasn’t a one off comment. It was a consistent theme of my relationship with her while I allowed her in my life.

I ‘should’ be able to shake that off, but that thought goes round and round and round inside my head. You’re not wanted. You’re unlikeable. Your own mother can’t stand you. You’re a mistake. You shouldn’t exist. You bring nothing to the world.

Now I know how ridiculous it is to believe such things. But that doesn’t remove the feelings.

That’s the key to why drink was a solution for me. It let me escape from the thoughts and the feelings when one day they all became overwhelming. Shut everything down. Get some relief. I didn’t even realise that’s what I was doing.

Until it didn’t work anymore.

This week the feelings were raging. So instead of utilising what I’ve learned to date, I decided I didn’t care enough to try. And I picked up.

But there was no escape this time. This time there was an immediate black cloud of despair. No relief. I didn’t even enjoy the taste. That surprised me.

I’ve been warned again and again, alcohol addiction is progressive. It works until it doesn’t and then it gives nothing while taking everything.

That’s what it did. When I was already feeling empty of anything good it took what little I didn’t realise I still had.

It took no time at all to leave me feeling like I did not want to exist.

So we’re back to day one. That’s disappointing. But it would be silly to mentally write off all progress made to date. Instead I’m going to choose to celebrate the lessons being learned and steps towards freedom.

Lesson one - girl, read your Bible! Write about it! Think on the page while you try to figure things out. You know it works for you. You know that somehow words on a page unscramble your thoughts so use that!

Help me Lord, I need you.

I’ve been going to a great AA meeting. What makes it great? The people. The honesty. The accountability. The grace. The understanding. The connection. The belonging.

Yet I’m really not sure it’s the right place to be.

Everything within me knows that the only answer to whatever life throws at you is Jesus. He truly is the way, the truth, the life. There is nothing I want more than to spend my days with Him. I know full well the truth that “a single day in your courts is better than a thousand anywhere else!” (Ps 84:10).

AA is great, but it doesn’t have Jesus. Don’t get me wrong, some people there definately know Him. But the talk of ‘the god of your understanding’ is making me uncomfortable. I know there is only one truth. But if I’m not going here, where do I go? Where else can I find people who also know the reality of struggling with alcohol use? I feel the benefit of connecting with people who understand.

But is it honouring to God to take part in something that doesn’t recognise who He truly is?

Yet I’m torn because if I am there, then I can be a Christian there for other Christian women who may turn up. If all the Christians disappear, what is left?

AA has a lot to offer. I’ve taken so much from it already. But can I completely buy into it? Or do I even need to?

I keep thinking of James 1:5-6 “if you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divded between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.”

As I type that I’m struck by the difference in wording of this version (NLT).

What I’m more used to is the NIV: “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.”

Okay, now brain is off on a tangent and I need to understand the difference in the wording of these. Time to consult hubby’s commentaries!

Okay, so what about the ‘you must believe and not doubt’ part? That’s what is really confusing me. Or as the NLT says ‘when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone’. They seem to be saying different things. My faith is definately in God, yet I doubt. So is my doubt betraying a lack of trust that I’m not recognising? Maybe that is it? You need to trust that He will give the wisdom you need when you need it?

Back to the commentary…

Ooof. That bit just hit hard.

When life was unravelling, that describes me perfectly. Completely vascillating between God’s way of wisdom and the way of unrighteous fools. No wonder I ended up in such a state. Praying yet drinking. Reaching out to Christians I trusted but also not heeding advice and escaping through the bottle. Is it really any surprise that I felt like heaven’s doors were shut?

Thankfully, God in his mercy kept reaching for me in different ways. He answered prayers through different people and in different ways. But He answered. He didn’t leave me in my foolishness and sin.

I’m grateful for that.

I haven’t yet got the answer about AA, but gosh did this writing unravel something else unexpected.

Yet again - thank you Lord.

For the bible geeks like me - commentary is The Expositor’s Bible Commentary, Revised Edition, Vol 13 Hebrews - Revelation.

I found myself literally on my knees today. I’ve prayed through so many moments in life but there was a difference today. An utter and complete need for God to do something that I couldn’t. Not desperation. Not an urgent situation. But a knowledge of who I had to turn to and that I needed to turn to Him.

My prayer was simple. ‘Lord, help me with this. Take this from me. Help me to rely on you. Please come and be with me. Please help me. This is bigger than me and I know you are the only one who is bigger than this.’

I was craving relief. Not from anything beyond the day to day that is life. But I knew that craving was not a good thing. It pointed to the lie that alcohol equals relief.

The truth that I keep reminding myself of is that This. Is. Not. True.

As I prayed I remembered the serpent in the garden. Whispering ‘did God really say that?’, ‘will you really die?’. The answer was a resounding yes. God really did tell me ‘lay this down’, ‘this will kill you’. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. For you, alcohol is poison.

I’d love to say that there was this magical, miraculous moment where I was suddenly free. That didn’t happen. But what did happen is I found myself feeling a glimmer of gratitude. That God allowed me to get to a point where I really, really know that this is a problem. Not just a glitch. Not temporary. But an actual problem that requires me to rely on Him if I am to be truly free. Being driven to literally get on my knees and pray was a gift.

I got through the rest of the day. The craving did subside.

Thank you Jesus.

I’ve had a bad case of what my sponsor calls the ‘f**k its’. Screw this, I want to feel better. Stuff this, I deserve a drink. Who cares, one won’t hurt.

Apparently the f*#k its are a recipe for disaster so we’re not bowing down to the lie.

One month, one week, four days, 17 hours and 50 minutes.

Instead I’ve taken a nice long bath, read some of my new fiction thriller (vaguely good enough to hold my interest) and read through one of the personal stories in the Big Book.

This story was a good’un. “How can a person with a fine family, an attractive home, an excellent position, and high standing in an important city become an alcoholic? As I found out later through Alcoholics Anonymous, alcohol is no respector of economic status, social and business standing, or intelligence.”

So freaking true. Once the beast grabs hold, it does not care who you are, what you’re capable of, how ‘good’ you were, it just has you.

Reading through this guy’s story about how he didn’t start drinking ‘til after he was thirty-five with a successful career and even then it was just occasionally joining friends for a social drink, felt like someone was telling my story for once. Not the old ‘I drank from the moment I left the womb and lost this, that and everything’ story. Instead, an insidious creeping poisonous lie that grabbed hold without warning. Seemingly out of nowhere. Alcohol really is no respector of persons. If I’ve learned anything it’s that anyone can be caught. Even me.

The slowly progressing nature of the illness is stealthy. You don’t notice it happening. Suddenly you’re hooked and believing the lie that you need it. It is a lie by the way. You don’t. It just wants to destroy you.

Unfortunately when you find yourself caught it takes time to rip yourself away from the claws of the beast. It changes your neurochemistry. Your brain decides it is getting all the dopamine it needs from the alcohol so it happily starts switching off dopamine receptors. Then when the alcohol is banished. Surprise! No easy dopamine. That is going to take time to return and in the meantime, while you’re in a difficult place, you have to get by without the quick fix. That’s the hard part. Knowing that you could relieve the dopamine craving so easily, but to do so will only prolong the suffering and leave you more bound up than you were before.

So we wait. We distract. We find other ways to meet the need. Connection. Comfort. Exercise. Achieving small easy to meet tasks. Feed that dopamine.

Now to trust that I will look back on this time as vital in recovery, that neural pathways were in fact reforming where I couldn’t see it. That my brain would heal along with my heart.

One month, three days, eighteen hours, 13 minutes.

And counting.

One of the things taught in the rooms of AA is that you cannot afford to hold onto resentments, anger or fear. If you’re used to the idea of Christian discipleship, think of good quality sponsorship like discipleship on steroids. There’s no beating around the bush when you have things you need to sort out. Expect to be called on your crap.

I’ve always considered myself a self-reflective person but this is a whole other level. Ego? Check. Arrogance? Check. Self-pity? Check. Self-righteousness? Check. Thinking it’s my job to fix things that are in God’s hands? Check. Believe I’m the only one who can see what’s really going on? Check.

My sponsor literally laughed and said ‘oh my gosh your ego!’. She was right. It was comfortable to hear that from her because she is so open and vulnerable about her own history. There’s no judgement, just grace and support. But also a massive dose of truth.

Where I’m struggling is in continually handing something over to God until it’s well and truly in his hands and out of my own. I’m utterly convinced that my viewpoint on something is correct, that there’s ‘danger’ ahead if I don’t do something about someone else’s life, and that everyone else is blindly ignorirng it. Problem? It’s nothing to do with me. I’m not the authority on what God wants in this situation. I don’t actually know what’s happening behind the scenes. I’m not trusting God to help the person at the center of things. I’m totally overblowing my role in the universe. Yet I still want to do something. Say something. Hint at something. Basically I want to shout my personal opinion from the rooftop.

Why is it so hard to ‘stay in my lane’ as my sponsor says?

I think at the end of the day I don’t trust God to take care of people. I still hold him responsible for not preventing hurts that I have be dealt. But the truth is he was there with me through all of those moments and has shown me so many times in so many ways that he will provide what I need. But I’m completely allergic to the idea that the world still holds hurt for people and feel completely overresponsible for preventing anything that could possibly occur. Because I’m more powerful than God??? Because I’m more trustworthy??? More capable??? Better able to give people what they need???

Ugh. The ego.

Help please Jesus. I can’t fix this one myself.

One month, three days, eighteen hours, twenty-nine minutes.

And counting.

I’m so tired. Repeat ad infinitum.

The one good thing that has come from feeling like this today - awareness.

I am very aware that when I am tired, everything else feels overwhelming. Yet another night of poor sleep meant that I started the day behind. Added to that the weather was crap and I spent the day feeling less than warm. Apparently that also adds to the feeling of being overwhelmed. I was longing for the gym’s sauna all day!

Knowing what is causing those feelings is going to help me tackle them. Get yourself some rest girl! Get yourself warm! Listen to your body when it is telling you what you need. The simplest things can make a big difference. That realisation has also led to gratitude. I belong to a gym that has a sauna. Just turning the heater on in my car on the drive home from work triggered the feelings of ‘aahhhhh relax’ that I get from the sauna. Brilliant. I now know how to bring comfort to myself in a small moment like this. And it didn’t involve escaping with drink.

All day I was longing to just get to my AA meeting. It’s a great home group meeting. Very healthy. Lots of healed and happy people. People who genuinely rejoice when me and my pitiful little milestones turn up. 3 weeks, 3 days, 20 hours and 43 minutes. And counting.

Unfortunately tonight’s meeting felt a bit flat. No profound realisations. No sharing that bought those light bulb moments that are so encouraging. But I’m sticking with it. Not my mood.

I’m becoming increasingly aware of just how much this programme depends upon my ability to rely solely on God. They talk about ‘the God of your understanding’ but I’m sticking with the fact that, that is bollocks. There is only one God. One Jesus. One way that brings truth and life.

So putting aside my frustration that not everyone knows this and they are ‘relying’ on something that is not the Truth, I can keep remembering that if I follow Him and truly learn to rely on Him, I will be okay. If I truly care about them as opposed to just feeling annoyed, I will pray for them that they would come to know the God who truly loves them and offers real hope and life.

Despite knowing that I need to rely on Him, don’t misread this to think I mean He promises life with only happiness and joy from here on out. He doesn’t promise freedom from all the troubles of this world, quite the opposite in fact. He warns us that troubles will hit us until the day we go to be with Him or He comes again in glory. Until then, I’m stuck with troubles. But I don’t have to be troubled.

I’m so far from being able to really live this out. But I’m sticking with it. With Him. One day at a time.

Help me Lord, I need you moment by moment.

I’ve spent today just trying to get out of my head. Sunday is definately not funday. The thought of work starting again on a Monday morning always makes Sunday’s stress levels slowly increase throughout the day and my desire to escape the feelings increases. I’m lucky to have a decent job, but we run on a skeleton staff and the workload is immense. There’s no such thing as a lunch break and don’t even consider morning or afternoon tea. It’s high stakes for clients and not something you can afford to be half arsed about. But the toll that takes is overwhelming some days.

It is not a job that enables you to take time to rest or heal.

And I need to rest. And heal.

But how many people in this world have the luxury of making the world stop spinning so they can get off for a while and just look after themselves? Pretty much no one I’d say.

In AA they talk about the issue of being self-centered. I hadn’t considered this to be my issue at all - I care deeply about others (the decent ‘others’ at least) and try to be someone who actively shows that care when I can. But as I have delved deeper into what this self-centeredness actually means, I’ve found myself lacking. Or perhaps more accurately - the opposite of lacking, I’m absolutely riddled with it.

Self-centeredness in this context is often about a focus on the self that is driven by fear or self pity. Oh that this weren’t the case, but alas it is. I fear so much. I’m always thinking about who might be disappointed in me, how I don’t measure up to people’s expectations, to God’s expectations, to my own expectations. Essentially, I’m always thinking about myself. But it’s okay I thought - that’s not my fault! There have been so many hurtful and harmful things that have happened in my life that it is natural and necessary that I take care of myself. To do that I need to think about myself! Ah…. and there it is. The self pity.

Absolutely and without a doubt these feelings have driven my desire to escape with a glass of wine. To turn down the noise and the feeings.

So what is the solution to this problem according to the tenents of AA? AA offers a spiritual solution - a shift in focus from self to others and a reliance on a power greater than oneself. I know who that power is. Jesus. Absolutely no doubt about it, He has proven Himself to be the one who is trustworthy and faithful.

So what does it look like right now to shift my focus from myself to others and rely on God? Maybe it’s time to pray that God would enable me to serve in my workday tomorrow. To look for the ways in which I can serve the team by doing my job well. But also to pray for the wisdom to know what boundaries to set. To know what is mine to carry and what is not.

Lord, help your daughter. She needs you.

Today is proving to be a rough one. For a bit of context - yesterday I had a mirena inserted (yay perimenopause and the desperate need to sort hormones that trigger migraines). It didn’t go great. I knew to expect ‘some cramping’ but bloody hell this was crazy intense. Heart rate then dropped below 50 and spent a couple of hours on oxygen while they debated giving a drug to make my heart beat a little faster. All sorted now and the pain is finally manageable. But it has meant that while I meant to take an hour off work for the procedure I’ve now had all day yesterday plus today off work.

This shouldn’t be a big deal but it is. I HATE knowing that people might be less than pleased with me. Absolutely despise it. I know the team is busy and I know me not being there adds to their already stressful workload.

So now I’m sitting at home by myself wishing I could escape from the feelings again.

There’s definately a theme here. Apparently me + feelings = a desperate desire to escape.

So I’m trying to make myself slow down, process and remember that this is not the end of the world. Lets say my boss is mad. He doesn’t like people taking leave and values loyalty and hard work. So why don’t I just let him be mad (assuming he actually is… reminding myself that I don’t actually know).

Who is the only one I actually must please in life? God. That is it. Is God mad that I’ve taken a couple of days off work to recouperate for something that was a genuine medical need? No, he’s not. Does God still love me? Absolutely he does. Even if I had done something wrong would God still love me? You bet - he made sure to point this out to us in scripture. While we were still sinners, he gave his life for us. That includes me. Can you even imagine the strength of love you would have to feel to give your life for someone who didn’t love you? To seek their wellbeing above your own? Honestly, I can’t.

So I have God who loves me and I’m not needing to fix anything I’ve done wrong. It’s okay to need time off for things like this. Am I personally responsible for the workload of everyone at work? No, I’m not. Am I responsible for the fact that we run on a skeleton staff and that makes it hard to cover when people need time off? No I’m not. Am I responsible for my boss’s worries about the company? No, I’m not.

So what am I responsible for? To love God and love others - that includes me. I am responsible for making sure that I am connected to him. Whether I feel his closeness or not, which to be honest, I’m not right now. It’s felt like one of those ‘desert seasons’ I’ve heard other people talk about for a long, long time now. But I can choose to trust. God has proven himself trustworthy over and over and over in my life. What possible reason would I have not to trust him right now. In the mundane, daily activity of a very simple life where I just have to survive the day by myself.

That’s definately another trigger for me right now - being alone. It’s not due to loneliness per se. It’s more that I’m alone with thoughts and feelings that I’m not enjoying. A great opportunity to practice that ‘distress tolerance’ that shrinky dink was talking about.

So far I’ve tried spot cleaning the carpet to distract myself. Done a fairly average watercolour painting of some flowers. Sent a message to someone to try to connect outside myself. Now typing this.

Anything to try to distract.

It would be so much easier to just numb it all out with alcohol. But that is not going to get me the life that I want. The only way out is through.

Jesus - have mercy on this girl right now, she needs you.

Time to re-heat the wheat bag and lie down.

It’s such an odd experience to be someone who has always done well in life (think academics and career only), to think of yourself as all put together and sorted. Then, wham! Suddenly you’re one of ‘those people’ who is driving home and thinking non-stop about buying wine. For no bloody good reason.

Well, maybe there is an underlying reason. The thought that I could grab a wine and then ‘relax’ was suddenly persistent. By relax I of course mean ‘slowly dissociate from life because it’s generally a hard place to be’. Man I love to disappear into myself. It’s a respite in a world full of emotions, feelings, worries, stresses.

But that’s the monkey for you. Lying little prick as I like to call him.

Having a drink wasn’t going to do anything except make me feel disappointed in myself and guilty. It would likely have depressed my mood - it always does eventually. And as I keep reminding myself, if you can’t say no to ‘just one’ how would you possibly say no to the next when alcohol is already on board.

So, I went to the shops, bought an onion to cook with dinner (yay vegetables… they are slowly making an appearance), and a zero alcohol bottle of rose as a treat. A good treat. One without the consequences.

And you know what. It’s actually bloody lovely.

Brain kept telling me today “if x can be a legend, so can you”. ‘x’ did her workout with multiple children and life pressures. Brain reckoned I had no excuse. So I smashed it.

That’s a bigger deal than it looks initially. Yep, I’ve been gyming it since May last year and got quite into powerlifting. But then life got messy and I had to change gyms. I’m often terrified of walking into a room by myself, and when that room is full of equipment that’s slightly different to what I had gotten used to, not to mention the odd gym bunny and the layout - how was I supposed to find anything without looking like a complete tool?!

But head shrinker did a number on me last week. We talked about the need to be able to tolerate distressing emotions and this has become our current goal. Where to start? The gym! Feeling uncomfortable and somewhat scared of embarring myself isn’t exactly distressing to the degree that some things have been, but it’s a great place to practice tolerating the discomfort. So yesterday, and again today, the gym became the place to practice acing my goal. Instead of not wanting to be there because it felt uncomfortable and awkward, that was the exact reason to go. To smash that goal and stay with the feeling.

Surprise, surprise both days I ended up having a great time. I set myself a couple of wee mini targets to help. Goal one - figure out how the hack squat machine worked. Smashed it. Goal two - interact in some way with the chick who lifts wearing a Christian t-shirt. I gave her a thumbs up and smile when she was acing a lift. Smashed it again.

Then without even thinking about it I smashed another task I was too scared to attempt last time. I asked someone if there was chalk hidden somewhere in the gym. There was. Then I up’d the weight on my deadlifts and smashed them too. Such a tiny thing, but left me feeling 10 foot tall.

It’s amazing the little things you can conquer when you don’t try to run away from the feelings. That’s what alcohol was doing for me - a cheap ticket to runaway land. Did not leave me feeling 10 foot tall.

Thank you Jesus for 2 weeks, 2 days, 20 hours and 31 minutes. Here’s to the next goal.

Oh, and the plants are still alive. See - smashing it.

Sleep is elusive so here pour my thoughts. They’ll be kerfuddled, so bear with.

I’m currently stuck between two points of the medical system. It sucks. It more than sucks. I’d like to scream. The ‘crisis team’ seem to have decided they’re responsible for me and advised my GP they’re not to do anything because they’re in charge. Unfortunately I’ve never been able to speak with the Dr who has apparently been charged with my ‘care’. I say ‘care’ but there’s no care. No conversation, no email, no phone calls, no contact. Yet they’re in charge. And here I am stuck without sleep which is a very solid form of torture. I finally managed to get through to someone today (not a Dr - they apparently exist only in the ether, not in reality). They kindly advised that they had discharged me with no plan, no followup and no notice. That would be great - except my GP only knows that at last contact they said they were in charge. So now no one is in charge and I’m stuck in the middle.

The amazing thing about mental health care in NZ, is as soon as you reach out for help you’re immediately deemed too incompetent to be a part of your own care team. Suddenly everything that was ever best practice about medicine - the team approach, consultation, informed consent - all goes out the window. You are not to be believed, listened to or, heaven forbid, be part of any sort of decision making. There is no explanation of what drugs are or are not prescribed. No talk of pros and cons. No discussion about long term effects or what to watch out for. No plan for how long things will or will not be prescribed. Your job is to do as you’re told, ask no questions, and if you’re not told to do anything to wait. Indefinately. With no actual support. Can you tell I’m getting a little bit angry here?

It’s disempowering to the extreme. Great for someone with a history of trauma where being disempowered is one hell of a trigger.

Yet somehow in the midst of this I still know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my God is for me. He is real. He is present whether I can feel that presence or not. He cares. He cares so much he would die for me. He is good when answers are slow in coming. He is good when the world is not. He is good when I’m struggling and good when I’m winning. I can’t begin to explain how much I long for the day when he puts all things right in this broken, messed up world.

For now my prayers are simple.

Sleep please Jesus. A plan please Jesus. Help please Jesus.

I’m reassured that scripture makes it pretty darn clear he is more interested in real prayer from the heart than fancy words. I haven’t got any of those.

I’m remembering how often in scripture we’re told to remember what he has already done. He has proven trustworthy over and over and over again. Yet in the midst of fatigue and stress it is hard to feel like that is true. But that’s the point isn’t it. Feelings are entirely irrelevant when it comes to fact. Fact is, he died for me. He loves me. He has provided for me time and again.

Written on my mirror as a daily reminder are the words “this I know, my God is for me”. I wonder if perhaps my stubborn beligerance is actually a gift in these situations. I refuse to let go of him. Lord don’t let go of me.

And please keep these plants alive.

Yet I wish the second hand would stop relentlessly ticking forward. I’d like to get off the ride and take a true break for a while.

Life doesn’t stop while you battle.

Work continues. Stress continues. Bills continue. Housework piles up. Life just doesn’t stop.

Apparently one thing that does stop is Netflix.. to ask ‘are you still watching’. Yes I’m bloody well still watching. Do you think I have other things to be doing right now?!

So it seems despite all these things I’ve basically survived a week without the booze. Not actually that surprising. I’ve done that so many weeks of my life - the majority of them actually. So why is this a big deal? Brain cannot compute that question. The question itself is ridiculous.

I’ve been listening to The Joe & Charlie Tapes on the Everything AA app. I highly recommend this if you’re thinking about giving up the booze. They’re a couple of hilarious older men talking back in (I think) the 1950’s. They discuss the ‘Big Book’ of Alcoholics Anonymous and chat through it in such a way to make it highly accessible and amusing. A great way to pass time while driving to work.

They were talking about resentments today. Explaining how ‘we alcoholics’ need to make a list of all those we’re angry at, jot down a very brief explanation of the reason why, and then look at how what that did to our sense of security and safety and our part in what may have caused the situation (FYI - don’t rely on this as an outline of how to do this step, it’s a woefully inadequate explanation of something that’s very much worth doing right). Then they get to the answer for dealing with the anger and resentment. It’s so simple. So perfect. And So. Bloody. Annoying.

Pray for them.

Isn’t it hilarious the way a programme that used to boast a 70-75% success rate just retold what scripture had already told us. Find God. Rely on him not yourself. Love your enemies.

The results - joy, peace and freedom. The stories of people who were written off by the world yet found such happiness are so encouraging. The forgiveness and compassion they found for those who they previous hated with ‘a purple passion’ as Joe & Charlie say - just astounding.

These days AA’s success rate is much lower. Can’t help but wonder if that is because instead of finding God people get to interchange God with ‘the God of their understanding’, their ‘higher power’ which can be anything… even the ocean or their own conscience. The ocean can’t help you change your heart. But God can take a heart of stone and transform it.

I managed to pray for some people today. It’s such a simple thing to do but oh so hard. But I shall keep going. I’m chasing freedom.

Over the last year I’ve been praying from a place of desperation for a number of things. There have been days when it felt like God had shut the door to me, turned his back and hidden his face. The darkness and loneliness of that place nearly broke me.

Yet he was never absent and now I can see his fingerprints over so many things. Prayers were answered immediately but I had to wait for things to unfold to realise just how spectacularly he cares for his children - of which I am one.

I prayed for a job and he provided.

I prayed for a friend and he provided.

I prayed for a Christian woman who I could be open and honest and vulnerable with; and he provided.

I prayed for a church leader who would be trustworthy and he provided (so far, I’m still not going to hold my breath on this one, everyone is human and brain still thinks just give it time, you’ll be let down).

I prayed for encouragement and he answered with surprise voice messages that dripped with care and connected. He provided.

I prayed for a Christian woman who understood alcohol addiction and he provided. I’ve just finished a zoom call with my new sponsor and she gets it. Like really gets it. Both God and booze.

I prayed for a specific things for a friend and have seen prayer after prayer for that person answered.

I remember the days I would pray for a good Christian husband and he answered.

Don’t get me wrong, there have been plenty of times when his answer has been no. I prayed for years for children and that was not to be. But I’m starting to slowly trust again that when he says no, it’s either for my good or simply that hewill carry me through the disappointment and hurt.

I prayed that he would help me and he is providing. I feel hope. It has been a long time since hope dwelt here.

Lord, help me to always remember your goodness, your provision and your faithfulness. May I never doubt you again. Forgive me when I do.

Step Three Prayer: God, I offer myself to you - to build with me and to do with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of your Power, your Love and your Way of life. May I do your will always.

May he answer this prayer also.

I am still trying to find my tribe on here. I’m sure that lurking in these stacks are my people. Those that love Jesus. Those that struggle. Those with issues they never saw coming and nobody would have predicted for them. People who can say ‘hey, I’ve been there too, hang on, you’ll get through’.

For now I’m writing into the void.

Subscribe now

In The Rooms, while not compulsory, it’s standard practice for people to introduce themselves just as you see in the movies… “Hi I’m [insert name here] and I’m an alcoholic”. Shudder. I freaking hate the A-word. One of the ladies in my group suggested I needed to take the power out of that word. She said she felt that same, that word was so loaded that it held too much power. The suggestion (we only use suggestions in The Rooms, never directions) was to remove its power.

I’ve been mulling that over this week. How!? I figured maybe one way to remove its power to was to make this addiction separate from me. It’s something else. Something removed. Something that doesn’t get to have a say. So with a wee bit of AI help I gave him a face. He’s a he of course. He needs to be different from me. Because He. Is. Not. Me.

So meet Monkey. He’s a miserable wee bastard. Sullen. Angry. You can see how he could make himself look appealing - cute, fun, cuddly, a good companion. But look closer and you’ll see there’s a sting in his tail. He’s kind of pathetic really. He has that angry teenager missing a fully grown frontal lobe vibe to him. He loves to talk but only about himself. He’s selfish. If it meets his needs he’ll lie to save himself.

Monkey needs to *#&! off.

Apparently this is referred to as ‘externalisation’ in addiction circles. Turns out I am on to something. See - told you brain is smart. Apparently its supposed to reduce shame and self-loathing, reminding you that the alcohol is the problem, not you. Give you back some choice and agency. Oh to have nothing but choice and agency in my life. That is something that has been forceably taken on too many occasions. It is a very big deal to me.

It turns out that when you tell Monkey where to go, he complains. Loudly. Then I complain. Loudly. It’s not a case of him saying ‘drink, drink, drink’, not at all (not right now). He’s more of a prick than that. Like a teenager, just smart enough to argue with a pinch of manipulation. Loves to tell you how crap you are.

Monkey is going to be forceably removed until he buggers off. I’ve been promised that the less attention he gets the more fed up he’ll be and then he’ll start to shut up. Time to starve the bastard.

Forgive the anger - sometimes when emotions are heightened it’s good to spew them at something - so here it shall be spewed until there’s no more left.

2,706 minutes and counting. Yes, we had a 'moment’. But we’re back.

Currently listening to this gem

Subscribe now